Jokes

WELL, THEY WERE GOING TO USE ME IN THE NEW MOVIE, 'BURIED' ABOUT THE MAN, WORKING OVERSEAS,IS BURIED ALIVE BY TERRORISTS, IN A WOODEN COFFIN, IN THE DESERT, AND WILL BE RELEASE ONCE HIS FAMILY PAYS THE $5,000,000 RANSOM MONEY. I SAID THANK YOU, BUT I THINK YOU FORGOT I'M A BLACK MAN, WHO THE HELL GOT $5,000,000? Maybe some food stamps!?

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT... AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE "WHOOPS" AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR... AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL ... COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S... HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY??? BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??' HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT YOUR PANTS FULL WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."

NOW A PERSON WHO GIVES YOU FOOD IS YOUR FRIEND... UNLESS HE'S A CANNIBAL! THAT'S IT FOR NOW! I HAVE GOT TO GET BACK TO MY DAY JOB... FILLING UP HOLES IN THE O-ZONE!

IF 'CHRIST PAID THE PRICE.' WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING ME THE BILL? REMEMBER 'THE SIMPSON'S MOVIE' EPISODE WHEN THE WORLD WAS ENDING AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE BARS RAN TO THE CHURCH, AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH RAN TO THE BARS. GOOD ONE!

A YOUNG MAN CAME TO HIS FATHER ONE DAY A LITTLE DEPRESSED AND SAID: "DAD, I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY, WELL, YOU-KNOW-WHAT." "YOUR PENIS, BOY?" HIS FATHER SAID BOLDLY. "YEAH, I HEARD THE BIGGER YOU ARE THE MORE WOMEN, WELL, YOU KNOW, WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU." HIS FATHER LAUGHED. "DON'T WORRY SON," HIS FATHER SAID. "THE ONLY 'SIZE' A WOMAN IS REALLY INTERESTED IN, IS THE SIZE OF YOUR WALLET!"

NOW TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, I AM GOING TO DISPEL THE MYTH ABOUT ALL BLACK MEN BEING OF ENORMOUS SIZE. NOW OF COURSE, ALL MEN WANT THE BRAGGING RIGHTS TO HAVING THE BIGGEST MEAT-DRIVER! AND FOR EONS IT IS KNOWN THAT BLACK MEN ARE REALLY HUNG. ALL OF THEM!!!! WELL, NICE AS THAT MIGHT SOUND, IT JUST IS NOT TRUE. AS IN ANY RACE YOU HAVE BIG,BIG BLACK MEN AND THOSE OF AVERAGE OR LESSER SIZE.... THANK GOD I AIN'T ONE OF THEM!!!! Tee Hee!

COINCIDENCE?! In a recent Poll it was found that the Country where religion originated is also the same Country where the men has the smallest penises in the world! God bless India!!!!

TOTA THEATRE OF THE ABSURD "VooDoo Werehouse" "How DARE you call me stupid Brewster, just because I am going to open that blood drench, clawed scratched, human meat hanging off of, pulsing, DOOR and go into that cold, dark, gloomy BASEMENT with the red pig eyes staring up at me at the bottom of the stairs, because I heard some sort of God forsaken werewolf cry down there! It might be Laura?!!! We can't leave her down there!!!"

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Are you interested in…you know…”wink”, “wink”? 'No,' she answered. I then said, Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said……. 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked…. 'What's on TV?' I said…. 'Dust.' And that’s when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'Oh my!' I said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that’s when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was only gone a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. My fighting days are over…

This just for fun...my first is my offical entry...this one is just kind of funny: A Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If... -if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer -if he says "these are not the beers you're looking for" -if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs -if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside -if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner(JR)" -if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up -if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family -if he calls Hank Williams Jr. "Master" -if his landspeeder has a gun rack -if he meditiates to old CCR records -if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy. -if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees...the dark side are they." -if his X-Wing has a still in it -if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base -if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid -if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them -if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock -if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill -if he uses Jawas for a drink holder -if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other -if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck -if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD -if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth -if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit. -if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored -if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored -if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok -if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks -if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets -if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling -if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." -if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light -if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery -if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest -if his father's name is Garth Vader -if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids -if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister -if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs -if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power -if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer and the last one I thought up -If the Voice in his head that tells him what he should do, sounds like Uncle Jesse

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this straight. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the ******* glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his ******' *** off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You ******* idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, $300." And the bartender's like, "What the **** are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 apiece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it.............you'd be happy."

The greatest joke I have ever heard was never intended to be a joke, but because of who said it, it became an instant classic. Here's the story. I used to work for the city of Anacortes in the parks department during the summer months in my early twenties with a guy named Travis. Now, we both spent 8 hours a day in the sun, getting fried. We are talking May- Aug. Hot. Sweaty sun. Travis was not the smartest guy in the world and was not satisfied with the level of tan he was getting from our 40 hour a week outside sun blastathon, so after work he would tan, about 2-3 times a week...He ended up so fricking dark it was ridicules. One day I said to him "Travis, dude, you are looking like a piece of leather man. You need to stop going to tan after work or you are going to turn into cancer man" He looks at me and says "No man, it's cool. I have Indian in my blood and can handle it" I said "Really? What tribe?" He pauses for about 15 seconds then gets this arrogant look on his face and says " Karaoke man. People with Karaoke in their blood can take the sun, dumbass!" I swear that's what he said. . . I laughed so hard I cried. And he never did get it. He kept asking me "What's so funny? Why is that funny?" I'd say "What tribe again?"...he'd say "I told you, Karaoke. Now shut up!" So ever since that day, whenever I see someone with a dark tan, I assume they have Karaoke in their blood ---- Travis was legendary for profound statements. Here are a few more. "Bread is baked right?" ... "Jews are black right?" "It's almost like their is a cloud sitting up there blocking the sun" (that's exactly what was happening) "I wonder how trees grow on hills" ... oh Travis, how I miss you so -

OK! OK! ONE MORE! WHAT IS HITLER'S WORST NIGHTMARE? A GAY,BLACK,JEW!

TOTA= THEATRE OF THE ABSURD A BREWSTER CREATION 'VOODOO WEREHOUSE' "Don't you see, it's that thing Johnny took out of that tomb! It is making all our most dreaded fears ALL come TRUE!! Diana feared she would drown and she drowned in the bathtub over there! We have got to get out of here!" "Oh my God! SHE's right! What do you fear the most?" "I fear being burned alive! What do you fear the most?" "Oh my God! I fear being choked to death!? What do you fear the most, Brewster?!" "GETTING THE FOOK OUT OF HERE! FEET DON'T FAIL ME NOW!"

WHAT DID THE KLU KLUX KLAN WIZARD SAY WHEN OBAMA WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT? "There goes the country!" OK! BEFORE YOU GET MAD. I AM A BLACK AMERICAN. I LOVE PRESIDENT OBAMA. I NEVER BELIEVED I WOULD LIVE TO SEE A BLACK AMERICAN PRESIDENT IN MY LIFE TIME. IT IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME SINCE MASTURBATION. YEAH, I'M AN OFF-THE-WALL-COMEDIAN. AKI IS GREAT. HE LOVES TO LAUGH...AND MAKE MONEY..I THINK...I DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM...BUT HE AND HIS BROTHER SEEM KOOL! OK I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE ASYLUM BEFORE THEY MISS ME!

Hello Aki, This is a true redneck story from one of my trailer parks. My wife Judy visits the tenants on occasion and one nice trailer 16x80 living room 16x20 had a 32" tv very nice. The next time she went by they had a 54" big screen tv. Judy asked Diane "why such a big tv" and Diane said "we had to get this big one because Rocky could not hear the smaller one".

What did the gay guy say to the other gay guy sitting at the bar? Can I push in your stool!

A REAL NEWS RELEASE: IS THIS COMIC OR TRAGIC? OUR CHRISTIAN WORLD {New Series} "Girl, I would die for a boyfieind like yours! And he actually shot the man because he slapped you?" "He sure did." "Girl I don't envy you! Whew wee! That makes me hot all over. Where can I find a man like that?" "You can have mine!" "Gurl, what is the world are you saying, you telling me you don't want this guy who defended your honor? Are you crazy? I would give my left foot for a man like that." 'Well, that man is looking for me right now to kill me because I am the only witness to the murder." "Oh! I see!" "Aintthatabitch!" "It sure is!"

A guy walks up to a bar and says, "I'll have 18 shots of your finest Whiskey!" The bar tender, elated with the great sale commenced to pour all 18 shots in a row. The man picked them up and drank them one after the other and finished all 18 in less than a minute. The bartender said, "Damn, I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" To which the man replied, "You would drink like this too if you had what I did..." The bartender replied, "Oh my God, I'm sorry, what do you have?" The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Oh... about 50 cents."

This is a true story very funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ail12bBRgE

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

I'll be Ken's backup in the great duel. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6hlt3bCAFI&feature=related

Anyone with a brother should like this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QDzhKVqrd8

One of the best, yet oddly vulgar I've heard is: "Wanna come over to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo, 'till I Google all over your Facebook?"

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

What do you call a Japanese boxer when his father as the diarrhea? A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy!

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place." Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

How many MLMers does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one really knows because they keep trying to recruit a new person to do it

Dirty little Johny is sitting in class and the teacher asks HOW DO WE GO TO HEAVEN. Little Susie raises her hand and says, "teacher we go head first". The teacher responds with a good answer, "Susie that could be." Little Timmy raises his hand and tells his teacher, "we don't go to heaven teacher our bodies stay here and our souls go to heaven." The teacher responds, "great answer little Timmy." Well of course Little Johny is sitting in the back of the class swinging his hand all over. So the teacher says, "ok little Johny how do we go to heaven?" Little Johny replies, "we go feet first teacher." The teacher ask Johny, "what makes you think we go feet first." Johny replies, "because I got up in the middle of the night to go potty and walked past mommy and daddy's room and mommy was laying flat on her back with her feet straight in the air screaming, "oh god i am coming," and if it weren't for daddy laying on top of her holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"